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Happy Fatherless Day: Entry 8

On the last day, after everyone cleared the room so that we could have some privacy, I sat on the arm of the chair. My dad couldn't speak so everything I 'heard' came from his eyes and facial expressions. I heard "I am sorry". I heard "I wish I had protected you". I heard "I wish I had lived life differently" and "I don't want to say goodbye". I kissed him on his forehead, took the first and only picture of the 2 of us that I have ever seen, and looked him in his eyes and  

 told him we were ok. That everything is ok. As I walked out the door I saw the regret of a life of neglect and bad choices take a toll on him but I also felt free. I was asked if i would come back for the funeral and I said no, that was my goodbye. That was my swan deep final bow.

I felt sadness because I knew that one of the people who contributed to my biological make-up would depart this earth in an undetermined but anticipated amount of time. I felt freedom because i was able to lay eyes and hands on him and pray for him and say my goodbyes. I felt like I could breathe a little easier because I had the courage to go into a situation that was very unsure, be strong and come out on the other side better than I went in. And then... 

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